I need to go to Girlfriend School

Somewhere out there, there has to be a girlfriend school.  You know, some place that can teach you how to be a kinder, gentler you who shares her thoughts, feelings, possessions and very being with her significant other b/c I have to tell ya, at this rate, I’m not going to make it.

I do not know how to do this. I used to, I think, a decade ago, when I still believed my high school sweetheart was The One.  Yeah…But since then, I seem to have forgotten.

Suddenly, my stuff is not mine, I have to share, and that wouldn’t be so bad necessarily but MY things get destroyed, depleted and decimated at an alarming rate…and NOT BY ME!  There’s a “we” and an “us” and any reference to me, mine and none of your business, offends.  Someone is looking to me when they are horny instead of me getting my fix when I need it and he doesn’t seem to understand that there is nothing LESS sexy than obligation.  There are always feelings to be discussed, complaints to be heard, space intruded upon, expectations of me that I never agreed to…”Be an active participant” I’m told which can mean anything from giving more head to doing my, yes MY fucking dishes b/c he is cooking and is “tired of doing them” even though I cleaned what the hell he needs already and I can do or not do my dishes any god damned time I feel like b/c they are FUCKING MINE.  Conversations happen in spite of me instead of with me and I have never cherished silence more in my life.  I am interrogated about my whereabouts and activities and no matter how innocent the question is made to seem, I know it is coming from a place of mistrust which immediately puts me on the defensive and I fucking hate it.  Suddenly my wild streak, freedom loving spirit and frank speech are not conducive to a relationship b/c it either reflects badly on him like we are the same fucking person or something, makes me appear too available to other men, overshadows him in some way or hurts his feelings.  I’m harsh, this is not news.

It’s not all bad, (at times it’s so good it’s hardly believable) but sometimes it sure seems that way.  I miss the days when I went to HIS apt to see him and my domain remained untouched by the outside world.  When he didn’t even know where I lived and I could come and go as I pleased.  When I split my time between my friends and him as I saw fit and no one took precedence, it was about me doing what I felt like doing at the time which is really, the only way to live.  When he was so enamored with me, he wouldn’t even form his mouth to complain and he looked forward to any time he got to spend with me.  When his attention was on keeping me still and I wasn’t so…available.

He says I’m selfish and I guess I am.  When you’re alone, you don’t notice b/c it’s just you.  Then someone comes along to point out how much you suck at being with another person and tries desperately to get you to love him the way he wants you to…and you try just as desperately to do it b/c despite the fact that he is a royal pain in the ass sometimes and you want to kill him, you really do love him.  You are torn between who you really are and the you that what would make him happier.  You’re not sure if he’s asking too much or if you really do, in fact, suck at this and need to change.  You think that your first instinct was probably right and maybe you’re not even the relationship kind and you should never have even started this in the first place.  But the secret romantic in you thinks that flaws and all, this could be it b/c when you are together and it’s good you have movie magic moments and maybe you could be happy if you could only learn to open up more, watch how you say things, try to think of his needs more, be a better girlfriend…but you feel like in all this making him happy YOU are going to get lost and disappear and possibly turn into a resentful, bitter shrew who hates her life and more than you fear death, you fear that.  But he’s so good to you and claims that all he wants is the same treatment in return and you DO want to be with him and maybe you should just do what it takes to make that happen and stop all the pondering b/c it never helps anything.

And then you wish that maybe there was some school somewhere that could just help you learn your way to perfection at, and happiness as, a girlfriend.